As I’m walking around my work office with a cup of coffee in my hand, it hits me how much peace and acceptance God has given me. I was dreading July 17th so much, thinking that I’d be falling apart without my little one; barely holding on until that 5 o’clock bell chimed and I could go home to see him again.
The week before I went back to work was the hardest. It was during this week when reality of my situation hit me. Up until this point I was so sure that He would provide a way for me to stay home. I thought I’d be going to back to work part time for maybe a month, at most, and then I’d be back home with my boy. Then the reality of my situation hit me and I realized that I would be going back to work full time without an end date in sight. That was the hardest for me to accept: not knowing when I’d be able to be back home with him full time.
The Sunday before I went back I remember worshiping during church and finally accepting the path that God had placed before me. After being angry at Him all week, I was finally able to forgive Him (another matter entirely, I know) and accept that my return to work was what He needed from me right now. So since that Sunday, I’ve only prayed for Him to grant me peace with the situation and to give me the strength to get through each work day, even if it was one day at a time.
I remember telling my husband a few days into my first week that even though my son won’t remember this season, I want him to have an example of what it means to put your all into a situation, even if you don’t like it. To work with dignity and with the same respect for my employers that I had before I was pregnant, before I had a little one beckoning for me to stay home. And to know that to accomplish this, he needs to rely on the only One who can provide it for him.
And even as I write this, I’m tearing up as I think about him at home and me here at work. And sometimes there’s a bit of doubt that clouds my mind because I don’t cry every day and I’m not an emotional, mopey mess at work. I doubt the call that was put on my heart to stay home even before my husband and I started thinking about kids. Maybe I can always work, I think. But my occasional tears remind me that my heart is at home with him, and it’s during these teary moments when I also remember that Jesus has given me the peace and strength I need to get through it. I don’t cry everyday and I can find joy in my work only because He’s given it to me.
It’s been two and a half weeks, and I have accepted that I’m needed at my job. Although I don’t know why, I know it will be revealed in time. Luckily staying busy at work means that I’m distracted from the thought of my boy at home. When I get to a point where I don’t think I can make it anymore, He comes in and rescues me again.
Yes I am a mother of a 3 month old. And yes I’m working right now because I know God needs me here for whatever reason. But I also know that I am a daughter of the One True King and He has me in his hands. I know He won’t let go and I know that when I think I’ll collapse from the weight of the situation He’s put me in, I know He’ll also give me what I need to get through it.
So peace and acceptance. Sometimes it can look very different than what we expect. But I know the only reason I’m able to smile during the day, the only reason I’m able to actually get work done, the only reason I can still wake up in the morning and leave him, is because Jesus is with me every step of the way. And I thank Him so much for that, because without Him I’d be a mess.